The above is my response to a question on a certain message board on which I post.  The question was something along the lines of “Did you specify gender when adopting?”

Now I mean no disrespect to the origional poster.  I don’t know her well, not even in an ‘online’ sense.  We have disagreed and I don’t see where she’s coming from at ALL on some issues.  However, her question was just that– a question.  And so I answered it.  The answer really has me thinking, and forgive me if this gets self-righteous…

We decide to adopt.  We attend a meeting.  We file an application, and then we’re given this million page application, complete with checkboxes about all the qualities in a child or biological parent that you will or will not consider or accept. 

That’s the basic gist– I will accept this quality in my child.  I will not accept this quality in my child.  The harshness of that reality is masked with lots of vague, fluffy language– “will be open to”, “are not ready to yet consider”, etc.  But basically, you’re filling out a rubric of what you want your kid to be.  Sometimes you check “will consider” for things you really consider (deep down in your heart of hearts) imperfections in the child.  Change the word “child” to “situation”, and that harshness of that reality also fades to blurry nothingness.  It loses meaning.

 Bottom line– I think people who want to PARENT A CHILD want to be just that– parents.  Not parents to a PARTICULAR child (as in, a caucasian, completley  healthy child, with college educated biological parents), but PARENTS in the truest sense of the word.  Sometimes, when people are waiting a long time, they’re willing to lower their initial standards.

“Well, we’ve been waiting a long time for this item…do you perhaps have one available in another color? Another size?”

All of the sudden, people are open to babies of different ethnicities.  Possibly older babies.  Qualities they would not initially accept, are suddenly considerable.

This is an ugly, ugly business, and a sinful business at that…and I hardly claim complete innocence.  We said “no” to certain special needs because we didn’t think we could afford the care needed.  It was a weak excuse, and I wish I hadn’t been so limiting, because this sin is one I will carry with me forever.  (Please do not misunderstand me, I would not trade my daughter for anything else in the entire world– she is everything to us).

I’m not blogging to sway anyone’s opinions…I’m not blogging to make some kind of passive/aggressive point.  I’m blogging because I believe this.  I believe that asking to people to pick and choose the qualities they’re looking for in another human soul– a soul they are expected to PARENT no less– is a travesty and a sin.  If this kind of selecting wasn’t possible, we might find a lot more women who COULD parent their babies, actually PARENTING instead of placing.  If we could decrease this ridiculous demand for the perfectly desireable baby, perhaps resources would be diverted where they belong– helping people who need help.

…for a while only! For the first time in nearly two years, I found myself dreading signing onto the adoption message boards on which I daily post. This has never before happened to me, but really, I am weatherbeaten and tired. I am frustrated with the lack of willingness to step outside the box and evaluate things as I think we are called to by God. I am tired of people “feeling called” or “led to” do certain things– I think in a lot of cases “feeling called” is a fancy way to say “I want to”.

And I understand wants and preferences and what not. I really, really do. I recognize them in myself and I occasionally abhorr my previous actions, and sometimes even thoughts. But moving forward with this blog post is NOT taking a break from adoption discussion– it is CONTINUING with adoption discussion, via interactive blogosphere.

So that’s it– no more! Not until August 1st will I participate in an adoption related discussion– parenting, yes, adoption, no. (Don’t worry, dear BB posters, I am not disappearing! Just going to selectively participate and see if it is possible for me to regain balance in my real life!)

In other news, I have MANY upcoming topics to share with you all, not the least of being the following :

1. How Long Island Is Corrupting My Soul

and the related post…

2. How Soon Can We Move Out Of Here?

3. What To Do When A Loved One Goes Liberal?!

4. Wills and Nonsense

So check back soon! Possibly late this evening, for the first installment of my new (and hopefully distinctively more humorous!) blog topics!

I’ve had a request from one of my readers, to write a bit about the Moobaby’s biological father– and I think it’s a good idea so I’m going to include it in the context of a discussion on fathers in general.

I think sometimes that my husband doesn’t understand why intereaction with MommaMoo is sometimes so emotional for me.  Well this is a many-layered cake, but one of the reasons is a feeling of competition that is entirely fabricated in my own mind.  By competition, I do NOT mean the proverbial “What if Moobaby picks her one day instead of me?”.  By my own internal competition I think to myself “Am I doing that better than MommaMoo would have done?  Am I living up to her expectations?”

MommaMoo placed the Moobaby with us for lots of reasons, but partly becuase she beleived that Moobaby would have more/be raised better than she would have been raised elsewhere (the elsewhere being fostercare– no matter what, she would not have been able to stay with MommaMoo, sadly).  I often wonder if we’re measuring up, or if we’re letting her down because her expectations were different.  If I were her, I think I would constantly be critiquing what the adoptive mother was doing– if only in my own mind.

So I feel a little insecure at times– I don’t want to dissappoint.  Also, I’m pretty strict with little ones becuase I believe if I can raise a respectful and kind child, who knows and loves God, than I’ve done a decent job.  I think boundaries and set expecations are the only way to accomplish this.  I know I’m stricter than she herself would be.  I know because she told me so once.

In this kind of sense, however, my husband has no one to measure himself up against.  Moobaby’s biological father is not now nor has he ever been in the picture.  Also a resident of MommaMoo’s facility, he signed a formal denial of paternity, in leui of relinquishing his rights.  He is not named on her birthcertificate, and she has never mentioned his name, except to call him “the baby’s father”.  What very little we know about him is that he’s a not-so-nice guy with a criminal background of sorts, the details of which were never disclosed to us.  He has no interest in seeing photos of the Moobaby, recieving updates, and/or being involved in the family we’ve created with MommaMoo.  In short, there is no one for my husband to measure himself up against.  He is the only father Moobaby will likely ever know.

And my husband is an AMAZING father!  It’s like he’s been waiting his whole love to love on this baby– the first thing he doesn when he walks in the door each night is drop to the floor and wrestle with her, still wearing his dress slack or suit pants!  He gives her the bath every evening, and he insists on feeding her when he’s home at nights and on weekends.  He nags me CONSTANTLY about what she’s eating (yeah, that’s a bit annoying), and he pays attention to her bedtime.  He volunteers to change poop diapers.  He sits in her ball pit with her and when he reads books he makes sound effects for all the cars/bears/dragons in the stories.  He never picks out clothes that match when he dresses her, but he DOES get her dressed if he wakes up first!  In short– he’s the MAN!

Moobaby has the awesomest, lovingest, most wonderful father I could ever imagine.  But what about the other one?  Will it matter to her that she doesn’t have the other one?  Will it matter to her that her biological father didn’t want anything to do with her?  Will she care that we may never know his name?  There’s a possibility that he’s dangerous– we really don’t know anything about his criminal background.  Is it better this way, so that he can’t hurt her one day?

Our family and close friends say he doesn’t deserve to be her father anyway, but what does that truly mean?  Doesn’t she deserve a chance to know who he is, even if she ends up deciding not to have a relationship?  But what’s the risk involved there?  It’s unmitigated.  I sometimes wonder if my husband mentally measures himself up against this guy and feels superior.  But I have a sneaking suspicion that my husband has never given him a second thought.

The fact is, I never gave him a second thought until this week.  I’ve given LOTS of thought and time and energy to the relationship we have with MommaMoo, but I’ve always taken for granted that I didn’t have to worry about the biological father.  I wonder if this is common in adoption…

Last night I made dinner and we all sat at the table for the first time in ages.  I made BBQ chicken, greenbeans, and biscuits.  Side dish was applesauce.

I asked DH if he liked the chicken (it was a new kind of sauce for us).  He said yes, and then paused, and then said “this dinner is so…humble”.

Humble?! 

We just moved– serious downgrade in apartment space– literally, we live in what used to be a large studio but is now a tiny 2 bedroom apt.  Our kitchen table is a breakfast nook that I bought two extra chairs to go with so we can squeeze in four people if we have to.  Moobaby’s toys are all over the livingroom because thats where they live– her room is too small for her toybox in addition to her crib/changer and a wardrobe.  We’re on a $50 a week grocery budget (and doing AMAZINGLY at sticking to it!).

ALl this so that I can stay home with Moobaby and avoid daycare.  I actually thought we were FINALLY being financially responsible and I’ve been so proud of us I could CRY for about three weeks now.  We haven’t purchased one single item that wasn’t absolutely necessary.  I comparison shop for diapers.  I stopped drinking soda to cut the cost out.

That being said, no one is gonig hungry here in the Barnyard!  In fact, we’re eating a lot better than we have in the past, even WITH a smaller budget, becuase we’re cooking now (as opposed to microwaving).  No one is going without.  In fact, we just upped DH’s 401K contribution to 20%, and that is on top of the $300 a month I save in an ING account, the $50 a month I put in our IRA, and additoinal small savings to help offset Christmas this year!  I even opened up a “New Car Fund” savings account, and have $40 in it so far.

I thought we were getting somewhere– my husband thinks we’ve been humbled.

In a way, he’s right.  We have been humbled.  We’ve been faced with the very real scenario of never ever owning anything outright in our lifetime, and have taken what are pretty drastic steps to correct it.  We’re catching up with our retirement fund (DH didnt have one until he was 31).  We’re saving for the new-used car we’re going to NEED in the next two years when the Jeep I’ve been driving since highschool finally kicks the bucket.  We’re planning ahead!  We’re staying on budget!  We’re considering another adoption once we can afford to move to a bigger place again (think a year from now, we put ourselves on hold until December at the earliest).

I dont think we’d be approved as foster parents now, just becuase of the space issue.  But that being said, we’re feeling pretty called to fostering in the future and/or adopting directly from foster care.

Have we been humbled?  Yeah, probably we have.  But being humbled really is the best thing, becuasce here we are, back on the right track with our dinero…

I love Father’s Day! I love it so much more than Mother’s Day, which, as you recall, I can pretty much take or leave.  Father’s Day is so much less commercial than Mother’s Day– it’s a time of backyard barbecues and playing in the mud.

DH is lounging on the couch, proudly sporting his $4.88 “World’s Greatest Dad” tee-shirt (compliments of Wal-Mart!).  Moobaby picked it out all herself– she snatched it off a shelf as we passed by and then wouldn’t let it go for the remainder of our shopping trip.  She wrapped it around herself blanket-style (it IS extremely soft cotton!) and refused to give it up even for the checkout girl.  I figured we needed to have it if it was that big a deal to her

Tomorrow we’re going to Child Saftey and Beach Season Begins Day at the local mall.  I can only imagine what the theme of this day will turn out to be like, but this particular mall has a free indoor playground for toddlers only, and DH has never gotten to see Moobaby play there (she LOVES IT, our playgroup meets there frequently).

After the playground, we’re going to come home to wade in our brand new $3.88 baby blow up wading pool!  We’ve been waiting and waiting to toss Moobaby in there and now it’s going to be warm enough to “swim”.  We’ll probably wrap it up with pizza from Capri’s, DH’s new favorite pizza place.

The total amount of money spent on Father’s Day will be less than $20 (if you don’t count the gas to drive to the mall I guess).  But I know DH is super excited for this quality-errand-free-Moobaby-time, and I’m super excited too!

I think we’re a good family. 

So this is difficult for me to write about because it’s pretty personal, but in the interest of honesty and adoption education and all that jazz, I’m going to write it anyway.  Besides, when has “personal” ever stopped me in the past?!  Also, MommaMoo is both anonymous, and several years out from having any contact with the internet whatsoever (yes, this is true), so I feel that it’s ok to share.

————————————————————–

I’m having a really difficult time dealing with MommaMoo at the moment.  We had a visit scheduled for this past weekend, which was cancelled at the absolutel last second possible.  It was cancelled because she broke the rules of the institution in which she lives, and as such, they had to cancel the visit.  This is the second time in six months this has happened.

I am unbelievably frustrated because a.  travling to visit is expensive for us and we’re not made of money.  These last second cancellations cost me money that I’d rather not waste on driving 90 miles when gas is $4.25 a gallon here.  90 miles each way.  I am unbelievably frustrated because b.  what she’s doing to break the rules seems to be more important to her than seeing the Moobaby. 

MommaMoo is severely mentally ill and has also suffered head trauma in her lifetime (this is the personal part).  She doesn’t reason the way an adult does, and neither does she have adult understandings of situations– primarily social situations.  None of these things are her fault and I have the utmost compassion for her situation.  Her childhood and early life break my heart, and I’m tearing up just now thinking about it!  No child should ever suffer what she’s suffered, no soul should have to be in her circumstances. 

Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember to be compassionate.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to remember that there’s no way she could understand that travling is expensive for us.  There is no way she could understand my disappointment that visit was cancelled.  There’s no way she could understand that I want our visits to be frequent so that she is always a constant presence in Moobaby’s life if possible, not one that ebbs and flows in and out of our lives.

Because she’s been institutionalized for so long, she has poor social skills.  She constantly makes demands– demands for things that cost money.  I can’t say “no” to a person who asks me for something– I just can’t and I don’t think it’s the right thing to do anyway, saying “no”.  But sometimes the things she asks for are expensive.  And sometimes we can’t afford it.  And sometimes, lots of times, she calls me specifically to ask for these items and has seemingly zero interest in hearing what Moobaby’s up to at all!  I’ve become a source of goods.  I know this to be the case because her SW told me so– that we have to establish clear boundaries becuase that’s what I’m becoming in her world.  Not the woman who is raising her daughter, but rather, a source of items.  Some of which can apparently be sold in the institutions black market.  *sigh*  Money I don’t have to spend but spend anyway on things that are sold on a black market, to make money, to buy– what exactly?  Pills?  Caffinated Pepsi?  MIrrors that can be broken for self-mutilation?  I feel it’s wrong to say no when someone asks something of me, and yet, what if my provisions are causing her more hurt anyway?!

She called tonight to see when we could reschedule the visit for– actually, to be more accurate, she called to demand that I put it on my calendar for the next weekend she is allowed to recieve visitors.  And then she requested that I FedEx the items I was going to bring with me to her ASAP so she doesnt have to wait for them (a baseball jersey and two pairs of shorts– these were her birthday presents).  She wants them sent directly to her, and not to the agency, becuase she doesnt want to deal with the delay that causes.  I had to tell her for the tenmillionth time that I am not allowed to send her mail at her institution, as per the staff there.  She’s going to call me back tomorrow night to remind me in case I’ve forgotten to send it to the agency.

MommaMoo is part of my family– when I adopted her child I made a committment to them both.  Ours is an open adoption, with lots of contact (as you see) and I love her.  She gave birth to my child and she is a sweet and funny soul, underneath all of her illness and institutionalization.  Right now, however, I’m going through a period of emotional shutdown where she is concerned.  Of course we’ll always continue our contact exactly as it is, but I can’t at the moment keep laying awake at night trying to figure out what makes her tick.  I can only pray that I find a way to explain mental illness to the Moobaby at a very young age, because I am terrified that she will get the impression MommaMoo doesn’t care about her, which I know is not the case!

How do I sheild Moobaby from what will likely be a childhood of confusion and dissappointment with regards to her other mother?  How do I explain?  How will she understand when I barely do myself?! 

I’ve done all the research on the mental illnesses and impairments that MommaMoo is dealing with.  I know that the research for some of these things (bipolar, borderline personality, axis II) is inconclusive and ever-changing.  I knew when I entered this relationship that it would be difficult at best.  Well it is difficult, and I’m looking for any advice anyone might have!  I don’t want the Moobaby, OR her MommaMoo to be  hurting…

This is the squashiest baby ever– but boy does she love her veggies!

Hey all, my blog hiatus, tho short-lived, is over!  I will have a nice juice big ol’ blog post for you all tomorrow– I have many topics to discuss in the next few days– thanks for all your comments and your wonderful readership!

(Note– I’m not really back from my hiatus, I just needed to post this)

A wonderful woman I used to work with named Rachel was recently accepted into a PsyD program out in Southern California!  She is smart, creative, capable and committed–Congratulations Rachel– You’re awesome and you’re going to do great!

Maybe it’s moving, maybe it’s the huge financial crunch I’m about to face, I’m not sure, but for various reasons I will be checking out for the next week or two (possibly longer, but I hope not).

I can’t keep up with all you online buddies o’ mine and still manage to be a good mom and halfway decent wife with all this stuff going on.

Don’t quit reading tho! I AM coming back! I promise!